I'm struggling a little with what to do about my defense and specifically my program announcing it. My PI is wonderful and working for him is great, but his lab historically is pretty toxic and cliquey - it always has been, even preceding the 8 years that I've been here. I've been the clique's target throughout my PhD, and that's whatever, but the defense is more of a looming problem now because of that.
I told my PI that I'd like to keep my defense on the downlow because I very much don't want most of the lab to attend - he knows about the stuff that has gone on over the last 4 years and the most recent things that were said (I had brought them up with him not because I wanted him to do anything about it, but I wanted to make sure that what was being said behind my back wasn't reflective of how HE felt about my project). And he's fine with not announcing to the lab that I'll be defending, although I think it makes him sad because he likes to live in a dream world where we all get along and are one big happy family.
But it gets a little complicated for me because my grad program within the vet school sends out emails announcing upcoming defenses, and one of the people in the lab clique is also in my program - so he will get the email, and I can guarantee that he'll disseminate that information to the remainder of the clique. I'd tried to avoid the issue by scheduling my defense over on the vet school campus, because that's a 15-20 min bus ride from the lab and that would be enough to prevent them from coming, but I wasn't able to get a room big enough to hold as many people as I know will be there, so I had to book a room on this campus instead.
(ironically, in the room where I gave my first ever lab meeting presentation, aw)
But I don't really know what to do now. I know that whether they show up or not doesn't matter - they're not the ones who are passing me, and I'm confident that I'll pass my defense just fine. But I'd rather not have toxic presences in the room for my big day, and at this point, I don't see a way to avoid it.
I'm not stressed about it the way I would be if my work hadn't been validated by people who actually matter - in all honesty, the toxicity toward me ramped up a LOT after I presented this work at FACTOR OS and was treated at the conference like I was the next darling little ingenue, so I'm fairly certain that there's a big jealousy component to it - I've kind of transitioned to not caring what they say/think, for the most part, but I still don't really want them there.
Idk what I'm aiming for with this post. Suggestions? Help? Commiseration? Maybe I'm just thought spewing?
trying to avoid doing data analysis, that's what
idk. welcome to the inside of my head I guess.
Edit: to put into perspective how bad things are toxicity-wise, my PI literally moved me to a different lab space in a different building, that is otherwise only used sporadically by our mouse colony manager, none of the other grad students are up here, because that was the easiest way to tamp down on the nonstop bullying that was going on toward me. aka not actually addressing the problem, just removing me from the situation so they could continue to do it behind my back instead of right in front of me.
