premed bf

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alexlovestesla

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hi guys, my boyfriend, alex is a junior premed student at NYU- and they have one of the most competitive premed programs. it’s very vigorous. he studies for hours and hours on top of doing his work. exam weeks are hell. i barely see him once a week sometimes and it’s hard for me. (especially his exam weeks) is this normal as a premed or does he manage his time poorly? If this is how difficult being a premed is... how do doctors get married! haha. we’re in love and see a future together. i am willing to do anything to make us work as is he- i am very supportive of his school and time but it’s really difficult to hardly see him. Time management tips, maybe? Have you had a girlfriend in premed/med school? i also have been through a couple semesters as pre law and now i’m physics. so my time is devoted but not nearly as much as his so I guess I’m having trouble. (I have edited some notes people have!)
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alexlovestesla said:
hi guys, my boyfriend is a junior premed student at one of the top US schools- and they have one of the top premed programs. it’s very vigorous. he studies for hours and hours on top of doing his work. exam weeks are hell. i barely see him once a week sometimes and it’s hard for me. (especially his exam weeks) is this normal as a premed or does he manage his time poorly? If this is how difficult being a premed is... how do doctors get married! haha. we’re in love and see a future together. i am willing to do anything to make us work as is he- i am very supportive of his school and time but it’s really difficult to hardly see him. Time management tips, maybe? Have you had a girlfriend in premed/med school?
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Might have more to do with his personality and current priorities than the fact he is premed. That's my initial thought.
 
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Styrene said:
Might have more to do with his personality and current priorities than the fact he is premed. That's my initial thought.
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This. It also depends on the person. Some people can get away with cramming before the test and acing, but others have to study for a week in advance to do well. Your boyfriend might be in the study for a week in advance to do well category.

While I understand your concerns, I don't think you should be clingy. His schedule is going to only get more hectic and he may end up in a completely different state for medical school.
 
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Spouses and Partners This may have some answers/advice

I will say that med school will probably be the same scenario, and realize that his studying will have to take priority a majority of his evenings if he wants to keep up with the material and be successful. however, I encourage you to let him know that there should be at least 1 night where you spend dinner (2 ish hours) just talking and catching up! If it is meant to work out, it will, but he has to make time to see you at least.
 
Seriously though, I would go through similar issues with ex-gfs of mine.

Its like a catch 22 to us guys.

You want him to spend all of his time with you or do you want him to have a career?

You can't have your cake and eat it too.
 
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alexlovestesla said:
they have one of the top premed programs.
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No such thing..

You’re in love....not quite sure that he’s as devoted as you are.

Premeds date, get engaged, and get married. All depends on priorities. Some couples spend time together studying, too. Are you in school? If so, why can’t you study together?


?? Why do you have a. MDapps?
 
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Depends on the courses/ credit hour load. I take a full-time load and work almost full time and I am very busy. I do spend time with my wife and don't have any issues. Your post makes me wonder if the issue is that you are not busy enough and therefore keep missing his company. Start going to the gym more, or take a couple extra courses each semester or get a part time job.
 
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TOP university and a TOP premed program?

You must be a long-time lurker.
 
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Moose A Moose said:
TOP university and a TOP premed program?

You must be a long-time lurker.
Click to expand...

Guaranteed admission to TOP med school in TOP city followed by TOP program in derm and then TOP fellowship.. but at home he's too tired to be on TOP
 
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alexlovestesla said:
hi guys, my boyfriend is a junior premed student at one of the top US schools- and they have one of the top premed programs. it’s very vigorous. he studies for hours and hours on top of doing his work. exam weeks are hell. i barely see him once a week sometimes and it’s hard for me. (especially his exam weeks) is this normal as a premed or does he manage his time poorly? If this is how difficult being a premed is... how do doctors get married! haha. we’re in love and see a future together. i am willing to do anything to make us work as is he- i am very supportive of his school and time but it’s really difficult to hardly see him. Time management tips, maybe? Have you had a girlfriend in premed/med school?
Click to expand...

Not sure what top premed program is. You can just tell us which school he goes to and people can give you a better idea on what's normal. Either way, I'd suggest you either get used to it or find someone else because if he does end up getting into medical school it's going to be even worse and during residency you can pretty much forget seeing him during those years.
 
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alexlovestesla said:
hi guys, my boyfriend is a junior premed student at one of the top US schools- and they have one of the top premed programs. it’s very vigorous. he studies for hours and hours on top of doing his work. exam weeks are hell. i barely see him once a week sometimes and it’s hard for me. (especially his exam weeks) is this normal as a premed or does he manage his time poorly? If this is how difficult being a premed is... how do doctors get married! haha. we’re in love and see a future together. i am willing to do anything to make us work as is he- i am very supportive of his school and time but it’s really difficult to hardly see him. Time management tips, maybe? Have you had a girlfriend in premed/med school?
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The only time I don't have time for socialization is during finals week. I even sneak in hangouts every couple of midterm exam weeks.

Don't expect this relationship to last long if the max time he can give you is once per week and you want more. I personally think 1 day to hang out with someone is enough per week and he may be like this too but each person differs.

Also I recommend at such a young age you put your time into your education and your goals. You should learn from him and prioritize on education and not on relationships you can have in the future.
 
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getdown said:
Not sure what top premed program is. You can just tell us which school he goes to and people can give you a better idea on what's normal. Either way, I'd suggest you either get used to it or find someone else because if he does end up getting into medical school it's going to be even worse and during residency you can pretty much forget seeing him during those years.
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at NYU, I only say that because their orgo/phys/bio is very competitive
 
alexlovestesla said:
It’s NYU, I only say that because it’s one of the most competitive programs
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Just skimming through their first year program it was actually easier than my first year since I had a year of physics added in. Look honey, bottom line is every premed has to take the exact same courses and every premed is tested on the same concepts using the MCAT.

If you look at the material covered in BCPM pre reqs it's identical in all top 100 universities. Your hubby isn't learning anything different he'd learn in Harvard or the university ranked 100 according to US news hence why posters had to sarcastically enunciate "TOP premed program at TOP University".

Problem isn't in school, it's based on his prioroties. I personally don't think it's a problem. He should prioritize school.
 
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Sunbodi said:
The only time I don't have time for socialization is during finals week. I even sneak in hangouts every couple of midterm exam weeks.

Don't expect this relationship to last long if the max time he can give you is once per week and you want more. I personally think 1 day to hang out with someone is enough per week and he may be like this too but each person differs.

Also I recommend at such a young age you put your time into your education and your goals. You should learn from him and prioritize on education and not on relationships you can have in the future.
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thanks and yes I am a physics undergrad as i know the workload must be very strenuous- I just wanted some outside perspective on what this has been like for other people
 
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Sunbodi said:
Just skimming through their first year program it was actually easier than my first year since I had a year of physics added in. Look honey, bottom line is every premed has to take the exact same courses and every premed is tested on the same concepts using the MCAT.

If you look at the material covered in BCPM pre reqs it's identical in all top 100 universities. Your hubby isn't learning anything different he'd learn in Harvard or the university ranked 100 according to US news hence why posters had to sarcastically enunciate "TOP premed program at TOP University".

Problem isn't in school, it's based on his prioroties. I personally don't think it's a problem. He should prioritize school.
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haha yes i agree, just wanted outside perspective!! thanks :)
 
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I had a gf for the second half of college, which was when I buckled down and started devoting a lot of time to school and ECs. She was really busy too. We agreed to be together but not let each other interfere with our goals and dreams. I also had a great group of friends with whom I spent most of my Friday / Saturday nights, and she had hers. Nevertheless, we were able to see each other at least a few days each week. It’s okay to have lives beyond each other (as long as both partners feel that way) and I do think there is enough time in a week to be a dedicated premed student and a dedicated partner. It’s a balancing act. Hope this helps.
 
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I think my actual organs are cringing reading this.

Communicate with each other and be honest about what’s best for both of you. Even if it isn’t easy.
 
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21Rush12 said:
I think my actual organs are cringing reading this.

Communicate with each other and be honest about what’s best for both of you. Even if it isn’t easy.
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we have thanks so much for the kind reply! just looking for an outside perspective.
 
alexlovestesla said:
hi guys, my boyfriend, alex is a junior premed student at NYU- and they have one of the most competitive premed programs. it’s very vigorous. he studies for hours and hours on top of doing his work. exam weeks are hell. i barely see him once a week sometimes and it’s hard for me. (especially his exam weeks) is this normal as a premed or does he manage his time poorly? If this is how difficult being a premed is... how do doctors get married! haha. we’re in love and see a future together. i am willing to do anything to make us work as is he- i am very supportive of his school and time but it’s really difficult to hardly see him. Time management tips, maybe? Have you had a girlfriend in premed/med school? i also have been through a couple semesters as pre law and now i’m physics. so my time is devoted but not nearly as much as his so I guess I’m having trouble. (I have edited some notes people have!)
Click to expand...
This is normal, and get very used to this conversation:

You: What are you doing?
Him: Studying.
 
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Goro said:
This is normal, and get very used to this conversation:

You: What are you doing?
Him: Studying.
Click to expand...
Common variants:

Wife: Heading home soon?
Me: Umm...define "soon."

Wife: Should I wait to put dinner on?
Me: No.

Wife: Can we go to so-and-so's party next weekend?
Me: You can. I'm on call.

Wife: The kids' school is having a "Donuts for Dads" thing at 7 am tomorrow. Can you make it?
Me: Nope. I'll already be in the OR.

Wife: Can you talk at the kids' school's Career Day next week?
Me: No. My career precludes it.

You give up a lot of control over your own life in this field, and your loved ones give up a lot of their claim on you. How much control are you and he willing to relinquish?
 
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*ahem* As someone who has had many significant others, and a few that were pre-meds, it's not uncommon for them to be extremely busy and only give you attention once a week. Just realize that this will be his future for at least the next 8 years or more, and you have to ask yourself: are you going to be okay with this? Are you going to be okay with the amount of attention he gives you now? Are you going to be okay being #2 in his life? If he gets accepted into medical school, there's a chance that it won't be in the same city you met him in. Are you wiling to move with him? And once he's in medical school, whatever free time he has now will be eaten up by even MORE studying. It just gets worse in medical school.
There's nothing wrong with wanting attention from your boyfriend, and I get that once a week isn't enough. I need a ton of attention from my S/Os and so I can understand where you are coming from. Maybe you can start scheduling in dates once a week, so that will give you both something to look forward to. Do something adventurous and get out. Use the little time you have together to do something really fun vs staying in.
Also, have you tried studying with him? Whenever I'm cranky and I need attention, but I know my S/O is busy, I'll just tag along with whatever he is doing. For example, if he's studying, I'll sit by him and quietly read, watch youtube videos on my laptop, watch TV, do homework, or even study myself. You might not be interacting with him, but at least you get to see him and be close to him, and sometimes that can be enough!

Good luck :)
 
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If you spend all day studying every day for pre med coursework I think you're doing something wrong.
 
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HomeSkool said:
I could have gone if I'd known of it two months in advance. :p
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my future:
*first day of school year*
me: hello my child, how was your first day?
child: it was good, my teach---
me: hey when's donuts for dads this year


ok I will stop derailing the OP's thread!
 
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alexlovestesla said:
we have thanks so much for the kind reply! just looking for an outside perspective.
Click to expand...

I totally understand, I have been there as have many here. It’s hard and really there’s no magic solution unfortunately. Sometimes no matter what you want or how much you try, it doesn’t make sense to keep trying.

Cross that bridge if and when you come to it. You both have to be on the same page about what you expect from the relationship for sure and it all has to be out in the open to give yourselves the best chance.

Happy new year!
 
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CloverBale said:
*ahem* As someone who has had many significant others, and a few that were pre-meds, it's not uncommon for them to be extremely busy and only give you attention once a week. Just realize that this will be his future for at least the next 8 years or more, and you have to ask yourself: are you going to be okay with this? Are you going to be okay with the amount of attention he gives you now? Are you going to be okay being #2 in his life? If he gets accepted into medical school, there's a chance that it won't be in the same city you met him in. Are you wiling to move with him? And once he's in medical school, whatever free time he has now will be eaten up by even MORE studying. It just gets worse in medical school.
There's nothing wrong with wanting attention from your boyfriend, and I get that once a week isn't enough. I need a ton of attention from my S/Os and so I can understand where you are coming from. Maybe you can start scheduling in dates once a week, so that will give you both something to look forward to. Do something adventurous and get out. Use the little time you have together to do something really fun vs staying in.
Also, have you tried studying with him? Whenever I'm cranky and I need attention, but I know my S/O is busy, I'll just tag along with whatever he is doing. For example, if he's studying, I'll sit by him and quietly read, watch youtube videos on my laptop, watch TV, do homework, or even study myself. You might not be interacting with him, but at least you get to see him and be close to him, and sometimes that can be enough!

Good luck :)
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Thank you, yes of course I am willing to go anywhere he goes as his goals are very important to me, I’ve offered to study with him and he says it just distracts him for me to be there. I’m not trying to be demanding and want to support him and we can’t even promise once a week.
 
alexlovestesla said:
Thank you, yes of course I am willing to go anywhere he goes as his goals are very important to me, I’ve offered to study with him and he says it just distracts him for me to be there. I’m not trying to be demanding and want to support him and we can’t even promise once a week.
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I know this sounds kind of counter-intuitive to what your bf says, but study with him anyway. And when you do, be VERY good about not being a distraction to him. Put on headphones and do not engage in conversation with him the first several times you're studying with him. If he starts to engage with you, turn him down and say you're studying. You have to get him to trust you that you're not a distraction when you're studying with him. After a while he sees that he can study when you're around, you might get away with taking breaks with him and spending those 15-25 minutes together.
I had to do that with my boyfriend, and now we can be with each other when I'm studying or he's working :)
 
alexlovestesla said:
Thank you, yes of course I am willing to go anywhere he goes as his goals are very important to me, I’ve offered to study with him and he says it just distracts him for me to be there. I’m not trying to be demanding and want to support him and we can’t even promise once a week.
Click to expand...
How do you know he’s actually “studying” when he say he is?
 
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alexlovestesla said:
his word to me and his snap map simultaneously
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I go to the “top premed program” you speak of... l spend about 10-20 hours on school every week... (including class time)
 
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If you're only seeing him once a week AND you go to the same university or are both in the same city, then yeah, he sucks at time management. You don't get more time in medical school or beyond - you get a lot less, in fact. So if you don't see him at all now and he's only pre-med, you will never see him in medical school and beyond unless he figures out how to manage his time more wisely.
 
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alexlovestesla said:
hi guys, my boyfriend, alex is a junior premed student at NYU- and they have one of the most competitive premed programs. it’s very vigorous. he studies for hours and hours on top of doing his work. exam weeks are hell. i barely see him once a week sometimes and it’s hard for me. (especially his exam weeks) is this normal as a premed or does he manage his time poorly? If this is how difficult being a premed is... how do doctors get married! haha. we’re in love and see a future together. i am willing to do anything to make us work as is he- i am very supportive of his school and time but it’s really difficult to hardly see him. Time management tips, maybe? Have you had a girlfriend in premed/med school? i also have been through a couple semesters as pre law and now i’m physics. so my time is devoted but not nearly as much as his so I guess I’m having trouble. (I have edited some notes people have!)
Click to expand...

I was a bio major during undergrad with a boyfriend of 6 years at that point and we made it a point to see each other 1x a week. I lived on campus over an hour away from him so that obviously had something to do with the frequency in which we saw each other, but no matter how busy I was studying for exams, practicals, finals, whatever it may be we still hung all day every Saturday. He stayed over at my apartment Saturday nights and granted I kicked him out every Sunday morning to get back to studying and homework, but we still made time for one another. If your bf is THIS busy during undergrad I can’t imagine how he’ll juggle his time when he’s in medical school (something I’m actually very nervous for myself since I’m still dating the same guy lol). Luckily I’ve been accepted to a wonderful school a little over an hour from home so hopefully we can manage seeing one another a reasonable amount once classes start. Time will tell! Your bf should also be giving himself some sort of break to stay sane. Figure out when those moments are and try and take advantage. If we wants to chill one night ask if you can join and go to dinner together. And if he’s NOT giving himself any sort of breaks, he’ll burn out eventually and then you’ll have all the time in the world with him ;-)
 
Nibus said:
If you spend all day studying every day for pre med coursework I think you're doing something wrong.
Click to expand...

This. Unless your BF is a hard-core gunner, even then he should be doing far more things to build his app than just studying.

Microbug said:
I go to the “top premed program” you speak of... l spend about 10-20 hours on school every week... (including class time)
Click to expand...

Yea, sounds a lot closer to my experience. I legit didn't study for classes until I was a senior in college. Granted, I did pretty terrible for a year when the more difficult pre-reqs hit during junior year, but when I did actually study I pulled a 3.8 pretty easily (at a school known in the region for grade deflation). Even when I did study, I was able to be done around 5-6 each night unless I had a test in the following 2-3 days, and that was with taking several breaks and studying inefficiently.

I'd be willing to bet OP's BF is either not studying as much as he says, is incredibly inefficient/messing around with FB/other stuff when he says he's studying, or is a perfectionist/neurotic to the point that it's unhealthy. Either that or he's just not smart (not as common, but certainly possible). Idk, but something just doesn't really seem to add up.
 
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As a premed I've had to make time for my gf. I usually have more than enough time to spend literally every day with her and do some fun stuff on the weekends. I can also cram well, but still I think he needs to make more of an effort but thats just my opinion
 
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He’s doing it wrong if he has that little time. I have a family and have more time than that in med school
 
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HomeSkool said:
Common variants:

Wife: Heading home soon?
Me: Umm...define "soon."

Wife: Should I wait to put dinner on?
Me: No.

Wife: Can we go to so-and-so's party next weekend?
Me: You can. I'm on call.

Wife: The kids' school is having a "Donuts for Dads" thing at 7 am tomorrow. Can you make it?
Me: Nope. I'll already be in the OR.

Wife: Can you talk at the kids' school's Career Day next week?
Me: No. My career precludes it.

You give up a lot of control over your own life in this field, and your loved ones give up a lot of their claim on you. How much control are you and he willing to relinquish?
Click to expand...
Phew, I'd rather not get married than have to deal with this.
 
CloverBale said:
I know this sounds kind of counter-intuitive to what your bf says, but study with him anyway. And when you do, be VERY good about not being a distraction to him. Put on headphones and do not engage in conversation with him the first several times you're studying with him. If he starts to engage with you, turn him down and say you're studying. You have to get him to trust you that you're not a distraction when you're studying with him. After a while he sees that he can study when you're around, you might get away with taking breaks with him and spending those 15-25 minutes together.
I had to do that with my boyfriend, and now we can be with each other when I'm studying or he's working :)
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Sorry but I can't agree with this. This is encouraging needy and incredibly dependent behavior.

If he can't study with you around don't tag along simply so you can get more of him because it comes at a cost to him.
 
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Sunbodi said:
Sorry but I can't agree with this. This is encouraging needy and incredibly dependent behavior.

If he can't study with you around don't tag along simply so you can get more of him because it comes at a cost to him.
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It’s called compromise on a relationship.
 
Sunbodi said:
Sorry but I can't agree with this. This is encouraging needy and incredibly dependent behavior.

If he can't study with you around don't tag along simply so you can get more of him because it comes at a cost to him.
Click to expand...

No, it’s called finding ways to be around each other when you’re both very busy.
 
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