Can't sleep... grades on my mind. So here's more venting, I guess.
Going back to anatomy, I've been furiously calculating all sorts of different scenarios for how my grade could end up at this point. I'm currently sitting at 64%. I'm still incredibly frustrated about what happened with the last test (as well as slightly upset that apparently I wasn't awarded any partial credit for any of my really close answers... I was given a 0 on one pin for writing "deep vaginal ring" when the answer was "vaginal ring"---I mean, I don't expect the full 2 points for that, but not even 0.5 point?). Especially given how much time I put in, the fact that I've been in tutoring for a few weeks now, I spend every weekend in lab for several hours, and that my answers are for the most part SO close... I also made a substantial improvement on the written portion but because I still bombed the practical, it doesn't matter. Whatever.
It turns out that in order for me to earn even a C- in the class at this point, I would have to get a near perfect score on the final and I just... if my testing history in this class is any indication, I just don't think that I can pull that off.
I realize that it isn't an impossible endeavor, but it is so very improbable. Especially seeing as I seem to make the same terrible score regardless of how much time and energy I put in. It honestly makes me just not even want to care anymore. But I have to, because my grade overall is low enough that if I mess this final up, I could finish with an F---which means I'm out for good. We can technically continue here with Ds but it is somewhat GPA dependent, and mine is very borderline from the disaster that was last semester. So best case scenario if that happens is that I end up on academic probation. In first semester anatomy, we had the opportunity to take a remedial exam if our grade was iffy... it was more difficult than I anticipated but it seriously saved me. But that isn't an option apparently for this semester's anatomy class.
I just feel so discouraged all the time when it comes to anatomy because I feel like any effort I put in isn't going to matter at this point. I've put in a lot of work in terms of adjusting my study methods, routines, and even attitude towards this class and evidently none of that nor the tutoring nor the weeks in advance that I spend studying make a lick of difference. I'm half tempted to talk with the professor again but I know that he will probably tell me the same things that he did last time... basically that I'm obviously dropping the ball and doing something wrong. Well, yeah, clearly I am doing something wrong if I am trying this hard and still not getting anywhere---I just wish I knew what the heck that something WAS. Or maybe something is wrong with me. I don't know. I am not having this much difficulty in any other class this semester, though immuno is kinda borderline because I screwed up the first test.
It's stuff like this that seriously makes me question why/how I was even admitted in the first place. It also makes me question how I'm going to make it through the rest of this program if VM1 anatomy is already just about doing me in.
Also, our last pre-finals week test is on Tuesday. It's over GI phys (again) and a good chunk of repro, and while I am doing better in this class grades-wise, I am really terrified about this particular test. 110 of the 170 are strictly over GI phys, all short answer and essay, and this professor is notorious for being probably the most difficult of our first year. I'm thoroughly unprepared and even just trying to go through the material at this point is making me feel physically ill. Gotta work through it...