RANT HERE thread

[genny]

So, long rant...I'm having a bit of a mid-vet school crisis and would love your advice.

I started back as a tech for the second summer at a vet clinic I shadowed at all of undergrad. I am only three weeks in back to work and am already feeling some burn out and always feel a bit of dread the days I have to go in to work. I had worked full-time last summer and came home each day completely exhausted, would immediately go to sleep, and then wake up and do it all over again. I asked for part-time this summer in order to ease some of that but still come home exhausted. This clinic does not employ receptionists or any kind of janitorial staff so the techs are responsible for all these jobs, i.e. cleaning the entire clinic morning and night, answering phones, creating boarding, grooming, and appointment reservations, cleaning up after the groomer, checking in/out animals and setting them up in kennels for boarding, plus all regular tech jobs. The owner just recently employed a third doctor but without hiring any additional techs (we actually just lost one) so our workload has increased substantially.

I am still considered relatively new as I only work summers so am still given the less desirable work, i.e. getting sent up front to act as receptionist. One of the doctors did notice this and told the head tech that I should be back learning and in surgery and not constantly being sent away. Sadly, this hasn't changed the situation and I don't want to cause bad feelings between the other techs and myself by ignoring when there is a need to answer phones, etc. or pushing other techs out from assisting surgery. Because of this, I have learned very little during my time here and the clinic is often too busy to have time to teach me anything more complicated than administering vaccines.

With all this said, I am having second thoughts about my original plan to be a GP. Working at this clinic has caused me to lose some of my passion for this side of vet med, although I know that working as a vet would be a different situation entirely. I am still 100% confident that vet med in general is for me...but now am leaning more towards pathology. I love more than anything playing "detective" diagnostically and becoming a pathologist would allow me to do that the vast majority of the time, without as much vet-client interaction and overall business of a small animal practice. But switching career paths from what I thought would be doing my entire life is daunting and I'm worried I am just overreacting.

Not all practices are like that. And the doctor side of things is different - more problem solving, less appointment scheduling. I would encourage you to get experience at a different clinic. This might just be a bad fit for you, and you might enjoy the work more in a clinic that actually employs receptionists, for example.

There is plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. Rotations can help clarify that a lot. And even after graduation, people change their minds. Just because you pick one path, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind later!

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[mmmdreamerz]

So, long rant...I'm having a bit of a mid-vet school crisis and would love your advice.

I started back as a tech for the second summer at a vet clinic I shadowed at all of undergrad. I am only three weeks in back to work and am already feeling some burn out and always feel a bit of dread the days I have to go in to work. I had worked full-time last summer and came home each day completely exhausted, would immediately go to sleep, and then wake up and do it all over again. I asked for part-time this summer in order to ease some of that but still come home exhausted. This clinic does not employ receptionists or any kind of janitorial staff so the techs are responsible for all these jobs, i.e. cleaning the entire clinic morning and night, answering phones, creating boarding, grooming, and appointment reservations, cleaning up after the groomer, checking in/out animals and setting them up in kennels for boarding, plus all regular tech jobs. The owner just recently employed a third doctor but without hiring any additional techs (we actually just lost one) so our workload has increased substantially.

I am still considered relatively new as I only work summers so am still given the less desirable work, i.e. getting sent up front to act as receptionist. One of the doctors did notice this and told the head tech that I should be back learning and in surgery and not constantly being sent away. Sadly, this hasn't changed the situation and I don't want to cause bad feelings between the other techs and myself by ignoring when there is a need to answer phones, etc. or pushing other techs out from assisting surgery. Because of this, I have learned very little during my time here and the clinic is often too busy to have time to teach me anything more complicated than administering vaccines.

With all this said, I am having second thoughts about my original plan to be a GP. Working at this clinic has caused me to lose some of my passion for this side of vet med, although I know that working as a vet would be a different situation entirely. I am still 100% confident that vet med in general is for me...but now am leaning more towards pathology. I love more than anything playing "detective" diagnostically and becoming a pathologist would allow me to do that the vast majority of the time, without as much vet-client interaction and overall business of a small animal practice. But switching career paths from what I thought would be doing my entire life is daunting and I'm worried I am just overreacting.

I can relate to this on so many levels,
I went into vet school convinced I’d go into GP too, but I’ve since found something I love way more. It’s all very intimidating, but I’m just taking it all a day at a time and figuring it out as I go

 

[Ashgirl]

So, long rant...I'm having a bit of a mid-vet school crisis and would love your advice.

I started back as a tech for the second summer at a vet clinic I shadowed at all of undergrad. I am only three weeks in back to work and am already feeling some burn out and always feel a bit of dread the days I have to go in to work. I had worked full-time last summer and came home each day completely exhausted, would immediately go to sleep, and then wake up and do it all over again. I asked for part-time this summer in order to ease some of that but still come home exhausted. This clinic does not employ receptionists or any kind of janitorial staff so the techs are responsible for all these jobs, i.e. cleaning the entire clinic morning and night, answering phones, creating boarding, grooming, and appointment reservations, cleaning up after the groomer, checking in/out animals and setting them up in kennels for boarding, plus all regular tech jobs. The owner just recently employed a third doctor but without hiring any additional techs (we actually just lost one) so our workload has increased substantially.

I am still considered relatively new as I only work summers so am still given the less desirable work, i.e. getting sent up front to act as receptionist. One of the doctors did notice this and told the head tech that I should be back learning and in surgery and not constantly being sent away. Sadly, this hasn't changed the situation and I don't want to cause bad feelings between the other techs and myself by ignoring when there is a need to answer phones, etc. or pushing other techs out from assisting surgery. Because of this, I have learned very little during my time here and the clinic is often too busy to have time to teach me anything more complicated than administering vaccines.

With all this said, I am having second thoughts about my original plan to be a GP. Working at this clinic has caused me to lose some of my passion for this side of vet med, although I know that working as a vet would be a different situation entirely. I am still 100% confident that vet med in general is for me...but now am leaning more towards pathology. I love more than anything playing "detective" diagnostically and becoming a pathologist would allow me to do that the vast majority of the time, without as much vet-client interaction and overall business of a small animal practice. But switching career paths from what I thought would be doing my entire life is daunting and I'm worried I am just overreacting.

This happens more commonly than you think! Honestly, when I first started vet school I was dead set on being a mixed animal vet. But then I quickly realized that large animal (and even GP) wasn't for me and then I had a mid-school crisis. What in the world would I be if I wasn't a GP? Was I a fraud for feeling distant and burntout at the prospect of GP?

I then took a deep breath, explored some options, and after an externship second year, I knew that ER was calling my name and then that was that. So I suggest trying out something new! Join your pathology club, email some pathology professors and see if you can get some shadowing or even a job at the diagnostic lab, and maybe research some summer programs to try out next year to see if pathology is for you. It's okay to want to do something different than GP, and thankfully, you will get a better idea about what you want to do as you progress through vet school

 

[DVMDream]

You should have your own show on animal planet. I’d watch.

I think a requirement to be a TV vet is that you have to practice ****ty medicine. I prefer not to do that. Plus I like my little bit of privacy.

 

[dract]

I think a requirement to be a TV vet is that you have to practice ****ty medicine. I prefer not to do that. Plus I like my little bit of privacy.

So for the obvious one with multiple board complaints where he has been found at fault... yes I completely agree.

However, there are 2 shows in particular (Dr. K and Dr. Oakley) which I personally thing are great (and many of the techs where I work and a couple doctors agree). But I'm always interested to hear other opinions on stuff like this!!

 

[DVMDream]

So for the obvious one with multiple board complaints where he has been found at fault... yes I completely agree.

However, there are 2 shows in particular (Dr. K and Dr. Oakley) which I personally thing are great (and many of the techs where I work and a couple doctors agree). But I'm always interested to hear other opinions on stuff like this!!

I don't watch these TV shows anymore. I deal with enough clients and animals in my daily life that I don't need to watch it at home too. The first few shows were discouraging and I can't comment on if these are any better or not. I usually tell people to monitor for basic things.. protection of airways, sterile technique, heat support for sedated/anesthetized animals, etc if those aren't followed that is fairly basic care that is cheap and shouldn't be cut out.

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Just got b*tched at for something totally not my fault. The overnight tech was supposed to have the emergency cell on her, and she didn't for whatever reason. Well, the intern was calling that phone to let us know a colic was on the way. When intern arrived, I got snapped at for not answering the phone even though I was never supposed to have it??? The large animal overnight techs are notoriously incompetent (but it's extremely hard to find techs not only willing to work LA, but also work overnights, so we're stuck with these 3).

Also, 7PM TPRs took us almost an hour and a half because the tech kept ditching me after every horse to go wander the halls even though I kept saying 'Ok, we'll do this horse next.' You can't get all of the meds these 15 horses need done on time with 2 people if they were both working at light speed.


4th year is so great

 

[allygator13]

Just got b*tched at for something totally not my fault. The overnight tech was supposed to have the emergency cell on her, and she didn't for whatever reason. Well, the intern was calling that phone to let us know a colic was on the way. When intern arrived, I got snapped at for not answering the phone even though I was never supposed to have it??? The large animal overnight techs are notoriously incompetent (but it's extremely hard to find techs not only willing to work LA, but also work overnights, so we're stuck with these 3).

Also, 7PM TPRs took us almost an hour and a half because the tech kept ditching me after every horse to go wander the halls even though I kept saying 'Ok, we'll do this horse next.' You can't get all of the meds these 15 horses need done on time with 2 people if they were both working at light speed.


4th year is so great

Yerp, sounds about right. Fourth year in a nutshell.

 

[PrincessButterCup]

So, long rant...I'm having a bit of a mid-vet school crisis and would love your advice.

Just be aware that pathologists still have a lot of crummy client interactions that can lead to feelings of burnout. When you're calling with results that an owner doesn't want to believe (no, I don't have any nutritional problems in my beef cows, it has to be something else!!!11!), you're calling to talk about further testing and they don't want to pursue it, etc . . . One of our residents is starting her third year this summer. She worked in GP for a while before deciding to do a residency/PhD and go into pathology, and she sees a lot of the same stuff as a resident that she hated in GP. Industry might be different (and that's where she's planning to go when she's done here) but pathology is much more client-oriented than I had originally expected. Just a thought.

 

[DVMDream]

Just be aware that pathologists still have a lot of crummy client interactions that can lead to feelings of burnout. When you're calling with results that an owner doesn't want to believe (no, I don't have any nutritional problems in my beef cows, it has to be something else!!!11!), you're calling to talk about further testing and they don't want to pursue it, etc . . . One of our residents is starting her third year this summer. She worked in GP for a while before deciding to do a residency/PhD and go into pathology, and she sees a lot of the same stuff as a resident that she hated in GP. Industry might be different (and that's where she's planning to go when she's done here) but pathology is much more client-oriented than I had originally expected. Just a thought.

I'm confused on why the pathologist is calling the result in for the vet who submitted the samples?

And if that's the case, how do I get a pathologist to call all of my clients with results?

 

[JaynaAli]

Some state d-labs accept samples directly from the public. Usually it goes through a vet but sometimes people, especially ranchers, drop their own stuff off. I know where I went to vet school the residents had to deal with clients occasionally, generally on the weekends when they were on call and had to field questions from distraught owners wanting to figure out why their pet died. Maybe the vet told the client to take the dog up to the d-lab after hours, at which point a resident will likely have to interact with an owner directly.

Edit: I know residents at my current place answer the phone but I don’t think they do result giving and stuff. I’d think we’d just refer them to their vet but maybe some places are different. For clin path we never talk to the owners. Once a student came and asked for cyto photos the owner wanted and we made her go through the internal medicine resident (where IM asked us for photos and we sent them to IM to send them in to the client).

 

[vetmedhead]

Some state d-labs accept samples directly from the public. Usually it goes through a vet but sometimes people, especially ranchers, drop their own stuff off. I know where I went to vet school the residents had to deal with clients occasionally, generally on the weekends when they were on call and had to field questions from distraught owners wanting to figure out why their pet died. Maybe the vet told the client to take the dog up to the d-lab after hours, at which point a resident will likely have to interact with an owner directly.

Edit: I know residents at my current place answer the phone but I don’t think they do result giving and stuff. I’d think we’d just refer them to their vet but maybe some places are different. For clin path we never talk to the owners. Once a student came and asked for cyto photos the owner wanted and we made her go through the internal medicine resident (where IM asked us for photos and we sent them to IM to send them in to the client).

This is how it works at my school - the majority of our D-lab's samples are submitted by veterinarians, but they will have producers, owners, etc submit animals on their own for their own reasons. We get a lot of backyard chickens submitted this way.

 

[DVMDream]

Some state d-labs accept samples directly from the public. Usually it goes through a vet but sometimes people, especially ranchers, drop their own stuff off. I know where I went to vet school the residents had to deal with clients occasionally, generally on the weekends when they were on call and had to field questions from distraught owners wanting to figure out why their pet died. Maybe the vet told the client to take the dog up to the d-lab after hours, at which point a resident will likely have to interact with an owner directly.

Edit: I know residents at my current place answer the phone but I don’t think they do result giving and stuff. I’d think we’d just refer them to their vet but maybe some places are different. For clin path we never talk to the owners. Once a student came and asked for cyto photos the owner wanted and we made her go through the internal medicine resident (where IM asked us for photos and we sent them to IM to send them in to the client).

So no such luck in being able to get the pathologists to call all of my small animal clients with results and recommendations?

 

[JaynaAli]

So no such luck in being able to get the pathologists to call all of my small animal clients with results and recommendations?

Maybe if you paid me a LOT more. It’s usually a bad deal when we call and want to talk about a case. I feel like when we walk down the hallway to someone’s rounds room ominous music plays in the background and people look away in hopes we aren’t coming with bad news about their patient.

 

[pinkpuppy9]

This is how it works at my school - the majority of our D-lab's samples are submitted by veterinarians, but they will have producers, owners, etc submit animals on their own for their own reasons. We get a lot of backyard chickens submitted this way.

Do the clients go directly to your d-lab then? So far, in my experience, we have clients bring already deceased animals through our ER to get a necropsy. clogs up the ER a bit but it's not a huge deal to take a brief history, sign paperwork/pay, and get them on their way. Not sure about LA patients.

 

[JaynaAli]

I know you quoted vmh but where I went to school any teaching hospital patient got a free necropsy so those went though the hospital, but outside clients submitted directly to the lab. They paid undergrads and vet students to take call and go receive the bodies at night.

 

[PrincessButterCup]

I know you quoted vmh but where I went to school any teaching hospital patient got a free necropsy so those went though the hospital, but outside clients submitted directly to the lab. They paid undergrads and vet students to take call and go receive the bodies at night.

Our VTH patients don't get free necropsies, but when an owner wants to submit the students will just bring them over. Other cases are submitted directly by the owner and the resident is in charge of getting the history (they'll leave the floor and change into street clothes to talk to owners who are dropping off during the day) and if anyone wants to drop off bodies after hours without access, the resident gets called in to get the history and open the cooler. Residents call about possible further testing, with lesions seen on gross, and then with the final histo results (which is really nice, since it can take a few days for the official report to go out). They have a lot of client interaction here, mostly over the phone, but some face-to-face as well.

 

[PrincessButterCup]

I'm confused on why the pathologist is calling the result in for the vet who submitted the samples?

And if that's the case, how do I get a pathologist to call all of my clients with results?

Probably a third* of our cases come directly from the owner/rancher.


* I'm super terrible at guessing figures so it may not be accurate

 

[vetmedhead]

Do the clients go directly to your d-lab then? So far, in my experience, we have clients bring already deceased animals through our ER to get a necropsy. clogs up the ER a bit but it's not a huge deal to take a brief history, sign paperwork/pay, and get them on their way. Not sure about LA patients.

I know you quoted vmh but where I went to school any teaching hospital patient got a free necropsy so those went though the hospital, but outside clients submitted directly to the lab. They paid undergrads and vet students to take call and go receive the bodies at night.

You know, I'm actually not 100% on how it works here. I don't believe they go through ER, but I'm not sure if they go straight into the d-lab or if they go to reception and ask about it lol. We do have a necropsy drop off in the back of the building and I imagine the large animal clients are better about calling ahead to get instructions (since their animals are so difficult to move around), but we've certainly had some interesting submissions from our exotics and small animal clients.

 

[pinkpuppy9]

I know you quoted vmh but where I went to school any teaching hospital patient got a free necropsy so those went though the hospital, but outside clients submitted directly to the lab. They paid undergrads and vet students to take call and go receive the bodies at night.

I don't know that there is any circumstance where we'd do a free necropsy at my school, but iirc we charge $150 or so? I thought that was a pretty reasonable fee, especially for a teaching hospital.

Our VTH patients don't get free necropsies, but when an owner wants to submit the students will just bring them over.

Interesting to see how different everything can be between schools! When we have a necropsy patient, all the student (who was on the patient when it was living) does is put it in the cooler in the basement of our teaching hospital. I believe our caretakers bring the bodies to our d-lab. Students drop off samples a lot, but I can't recall anyone ever wheeling a body over. I don't think anyone has to receive bodies at night necessarily, probably only for large animals if anything. Idk if it's a student that would do that, I don't recall any job postings over the years for it.

I don't like that clients bring their dead animals through the ER just to get a necropsy. It sucks if we're slammed and have to make them wait with a body in their car. It's also not ideal that we have to wheel bodies across our main client parking lot to get them inside. We also have to have patients come in through ER for referral imaging (ultrasound particularly) since we technically don't have an imaging 'service' right now.

 

[DVMDream]

Maybe if you paid me a LOT more. It’s usually a bad deal when we call and want to talk about a case. I feel like when we walk down the hallway to someone’s rounds room ominous music plays in the background and people look away in hopes we aren’t coming with bad news about their patient.

I am considered the Grim Reaper anyway, so, might as well let you guys handle it.

 

[MixedAnimals77]

Carbon monoxide detectors going off in the middle of sleeping that aren't yours. You go outside and google instructions to find out there's no clear cut difference between the low battery and you're gonna die beep. Then you can't find batteries to replace the other batteries. Went to the store. Overall unpleasant experience but it's fine.

 

[that redhead]

I’m sorry you’re feeling burnt out.

I work at a large veterinary diagnostic lab and another job you might want to consider is a veterinary diagnostician. Before I worked here I didn’t even know they existed but their jobs are really cool. All of the complicated cases get sent to them first and they talk to the client or GP to figure out what tests to run and figure out what is wrong with the animal. Basically, House MD for animals (House DVM?).

I’m assuming you mean consultants? Like if I have a weird case, I call up the lab and ask for a consult and they give me someone to talk to. Just be advised that this can be tough for different reasons- you never get to have your hands on the animals, you don’t always get follow up, etc.

@Emily Faith - changing your mind is OK! I would encourage you to perhaps try another GP experience before deciding it isn’t for you. You don’t owe this clinic your summers and it’s a waste of your time if you wanted to spend the summer learning and are just acting as the low tech in the the totem pole. I know it’s tough, but I’d start looking for a different opportunity.

 

[RedLauren]

I’m assuming you mean consultants? Like if I have a weird case, I call up the lab and ask for a consult and they give me someone to talk to. Just be advised that this can be tough for different reasons- you never get to have your hands on the animals, you don’t always get follow up, etc.

At my lab they’re called diagnosticians. I’m sure different laboratories have different names for them. It would be tough to not get to see any live animals. At my lab they are very involved in necropsy cases though.

 

[that redhead]

At my lab they’re called diagnosticians. I’m sure different laboratories have different names for them. It would be tough to not get to see any live animals. At my lab they are very involved in necropsy cases though.

I mean, we’re all diagnosticians Do you know if yours are required to be boarded?

 

[RedLauren]

I mean, we’re all diagnosticians Do you know if yours are required to be boarded?

Yes, AAVLD.

 

[that redhead]

Yes, AAVLD.

Interesting! May be a totally different thing than what I’m used to with our reference labs I should ask our consultants next time I talk to them.

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Omg wedding planning.

Future MIL sent us her guest list last August. Had a lot of single people on it, no big deal. We took that head count and booked a place.

Turns out that she neglected to include the small detail that every 'single' person she had on that list actually has a husband/wife and kids. So now we're very very far off from our reception's max head count, even knowing not everyone will come. We only found out because we've been asking for the addresses for these people since August (no, she truly didn't think we needed addresses included on the guest list), and future FIL realized she royally screwed up. Fiance doesn't know most of the people on this list so had no idea.

 

[SkiOtter]

Omg wedding planning.

Future MIL sent us her guest list last August. Had a lot of single people on it, no big deal. We took that head count and booked a place.

Turns out that she neglected to include the small detail that every 'single' person she had on that list actually has a husband/wife and kids. So now we're very very far off from our reception's max head count, even knowing not everyone will come. We only found out because we've been asking for the addresses for these people since August (no, she truly didn't think we needed addresses included on the guest list), and future FIL realized she royally screwed up. Fiance doesn't know most of the people on this list so had no idea.

Well they can all have the annex reception. At your MILs house. With her.

Also are you allowing children at your wedding? (Some people don’t which is fine, some people do which is fine) BUT DONT LET HER DECIDE IF YOU ARE OR NOT

 

[RedLauren]

Omg wedding planning.

Future MIL sent us her guest list last August. Had a lot of single people on it, no big deal. We took that head count and booked a place.

Turns out that she neglected to include the small detail that every 'single' person she had on that list actually has a husband/wife and kids. So now we're very very far off from our reception's max head count, even knowing not everyone will come. We only found out because we've been asking for the addresses for these people since August (no, she truly didn't think we needed addresses included on the guest list), and future FIL realized she royally screwed up. Fiance doesn't know most of the people on this list so had no idea.

Why is your MIL hijacking your guest list

 

[SkiOtter]

Why is your MIL hijacking your guest list

Oh hun

You have missed the saga

 

[jaboo]

As a person who depends on planning things 500 steps ahead, that wedding dilemma would be über stressful for me. Hope you get things figured out!

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Oh hun

You have missed the saga

looooooool send help

Why is your MIL hijacking your guest list

It's her side of the guest list, but given that she hasn't talked to 90% of her family in well over 15 years (or rather, they haven't talked to her) my fiance can't be quality control because he doesn't know anyone.

At least she's taken a few names off the list since she didn't have their addresses and, I quote, "Take them off the list then, I don't want to call them and ask." So now we're inviting one cousin but not her sister, and one cousin's adult kid but not her other kid. Is there an eye twitch smiley?

As a person who depends on planning things 500 steps ahead, that wedding dilemma would be über stressful for me. Hope you get things figured out!

The goal of a 2 year engagement was so we could plan it slowly and not put a ton of pressure on me while I'm 6 hours away. It's all gone to ****. It's taken almost a year of our engagement just to get her guest list worked out (almost worked out....), and she just now gave addresses (tbh future FIL actually did it all, she flat out would NOT do it) despite our 'deadline' being back in February.

She also offered to help cover the bar expenses of the reception. We did the math and gave her the number, and she was totally fine with it. Recently, a friend told her that she paid less for the bar at her daughter's wedding, so now future MIL is calling me asking me why she has to pay more than her friend and if we're taking advantage of her/why we would try to take her money for ourselves (nevermind the fact that this friend's daughter's wedding was half the size and in a barn).

It's so ridiculous. I'm really about to just put my foot down and elope, this isn't worth it.

 

[MOOSEygoosey]

looooooool send help

It's her side of the guest list, but given that she hasn't talked to 90% of her family in well over 15 years (or rather, they haven't talked to her) my fiance can't be quality control because he doesn't know anyone.

At least she's taken a few names off the list since she didn't have their addresses and, I quote, "Take them off the list then, I don't want to call them and ask." So now we're inviting one cousin but not her sister, and one cousin's adult kid but not her other kid. Is there an eye twitch smiley?

The goal of a 2 year engagement was so we could plan it slowly and not put a ton of pressure on me while I'm 6 hours away. It's all gone to ****. It's taken almost a year of our engagement just to get her guest list worked out (almost worked out....), and she just now gave addresses (tbh future FIL actually did it all, she flat out would NOT do it) despite our 'deadline' being back in February.

She also offered to help cover the bar expenses of the reception. We did the math and gave her the number, and she was totally fine with it. Recently, a friend told her that she paid less for the bar at her daughter's wedding, so now future MIL is calling me asking me why she has to pay more than her friend and if we're taking advantage of her/why we would try to take her money for ourselves (nevermind the fact that this friend's daughter's wedding was half the size and in a barn).

It's so ridiculous. I'm really about to just put my foot down and elope, this isn't worth it.

Okay, so I've never planned a wedding, nor have I ever been married. But your wedding day is about you and your fiance! Everyone around you is going to try to make it about themselves, so you need to stop being so concerned about what other people want!!! What do you want? And worse case scenario, just pull a Pam and Jim!

 

[MOOSEygoosey]

THIS COULD BE YOU!!!! @pinkpuppy9

 

[vetmedhead]

@pinkpuppy9 I'm not gonna lie, I would have cut that woman by now lol

 

[MOOSEygoosey]

Just do this at least

 

[SkiOtter]

looooooool send help

It's her side of the guest list, but given that she hasn't talked to 90% of her family in well over 15 years (or rather, they haven't talked to her) my fiance can't be quality control because he doesn't know anyone.

At least she's taken a few names off the list since she didn't have their addresses and, I quote, "Take them off the list then, I don't want to call them and ask." So now we're inviting one cousin but not her sister, and one cousin's adult kid but not her other kid. Is there an eye twitch smiley?

The goal of a 2 year engagement was so we could plan it slowly and not put a ton of pressure on me while I'm 6 hours away. It's all gone to ****. It's taken almost a year of our engagement just to get her guest list worked out (almost worked out....), and she just now gave addresses (tbh future FIL actually did it all, she flat out would NOT do it) despite our 'deadline' being back in February.

She also offered to help cover the bar expenses of the reception. We did the math and gave her the number, and she was totally fine with it. Recently, a friend told her that she paid less for the bar at her daughter's wedding, so now future MIL is calling me asking me why she has to pay more than her friend and if we're taking advantage of her/why we would try to take her money for ourselves (nevermind the fact that this friend's daughter's wedding was half the size and in a barn).

It's so ridiculous. I'm really about to just put my foot down and elope, this isn't worth it.

Jesus Christ
Tell her she’s not invited anymore

 

[pinkpuppy9]

Okay, so I've never planned a wedding, nor have I ever been married. But your wedding day is about you and your fiance! Everyone around you is going to try to make it about themselves, so you need to stop being so concerned about what other people want!!! What do you want? And worse case scenario, just pull a Pam and Jim!

So I do agree, but the problem with major life events (a wedding) is that if someone ends up salty, it could cause a lifetime of hurt. Not that I don't think she'd cause this no matter what....

Idk if I ever went into this on here previously, but she has already shunned my fiance for asking her to stop calling me Mrs. *hislastname* because she wouldn't listen to me. While she was refusing to acknowledge him, she also got his dad + sister to stop talking to him too. This was days after our engagement and it lasted a week or two.

yes, toxic mom, horrible woman, etc. Trust me, I'm aware. I'm very aware of what her presence in our life has/can cause.

@pinkpuppy9 I'm not gonna lie, I would have cut that woman by now lol

I feel like this is just some huge setup and I'm on TV. People are watching to see how mad I get.

 

[KCgophervet]

Bout to get real whiney up in here. Husband has known since he took his job here in Chicago that there would likely be international travel involved. We were both excited about that because we could turn it into a longer vacation and get to travel to new places, etc. We chatted this past weekend about it and he planned to talk to his boss about going to China sometime this coming fall (like September or early October). Well he talked to her today and suddenly now he's going to China in <3 weeks, over our 1st anniversary, and I can't come because it's too short notice and I can't get off work. I know it's a really good opportunity for him, and his boss is going and is from China so he'll have a good experience and make nice with the boss, but I just feel so freaking upset by it all. Anniversary plans out the window, China travel plans out the window (for me at least), and it doesn't help that I'm currently extra-hormonal. Trying to be supportive and positive about it because I know he feels guilty, but jeez. Poopknuckles.

 

[vetmedhead]

So I do agree, but the problem with major life events (a wedding) is that if someone ends up salty, it could cause a lifetime of hurt. Not that I don't think she'd cause this no matter what....

Idk if I ever went into this on here previously, but she has already shunned my fiance for asking her to stop calling me Mrs. *hislastname* because she wouldn't listen to me. While she was refusing to acknowledge him, she also got his dad + sister to stop talking to him too. This was days after our engagement and it lasted a week or two.

yes, toxic mom, horrible woman, etc. Trust me, I'm aware. I'm very aware of what her presence in our life has/can cause.

I feel like this is just some huge setup and I'm on TV. People are watching to see how mad I get.

To be fair my bar for cutting people is very low. Hell, I cut myself making dinner tonight lol.

But no, seriously. Your something borrowed on your wedding day can be the knife that you use to cut that woman instead of yo cake

 

[WildZoo]

It's so ridiculous. I'm really about to just put my foot down and elope, this isn't worth it.

My preferred method

 

[MOOSEygoosey]

So I do agree, but the problem with major life events (a wedding) is that if someone ends up salty, it could cause a lifetime of hurt. Not that I don't think she'd cause this no matter what....

Idk if I ever went into this on here previously, but she has already shunned my fiance for asking her to stop calling me Mrs. *hislastname* because she wouldn't listen to me. While she was refusing to acknowledge him, she also got his dad + sister to stop talking to him too. This was days after our engagement and it lasted a week or two.

yes, toxic mom, horrible woman, etc. Trust me, I'm aware. I'm very aware of what her presence in our life has/can cause.

I feel like this is just some huge setup and I'm on TV. People are watching to see how mad I get.

I do actually understand My bf, while we've only been together for 3.5 years, has a mother that is very similar. She has no concept of responsibility and truly believes that she is the smartest person in the world and that everyone around her is an idiot if they disagree with her. She has, I believe, 6 siblings and doesn't speak to any of them (more likely they've cut her out). She doesn't have a job yet takes half of her husband's salary and spends it on trips around the world (by herself) yet they are in horrible debt!!! She is pretty much as toxic as they come and believe me, when my bf and I started going out I knew I was going to have to deal with this for the rest of our lives together. You only get 1 mom and dad and I was never going to ask him to pick me or them (plus he has an extremely toxic older brother too!) because, despite the fact that they are pretty terrible parents, it's a losing battle and, again, you don't get to pick them. One day, he may make a choice to not allow their toxic behavior into his life or allow them to inject their toxicity into his life (and believe me he's pretty fed up with a lot of what they've done) but for now, I have to live with it as you have to live with yours. But don't let your MIL ruin YOUR special day This is about you guys and if she wants to bark at you and make you feel bad, let it fall on empty ears because this is a day about you and your fiance I know lasting relationships with his relatives are important but they're not your actual relationship! Don't let resentment grow inside yourself to please a woman who treated you like dirt! You have to stand up for yourself at one point and it might as well be now!!! This is a day you want to remember as a happy one (if she remains upset about it for years that's HER PROBLEM!). I know it's not easy, but think about it as putting her...in her place for this one day. Keep in mind, my paternal grandma wore white on the day of my parent's wedding so....yeah...put her in her place NOW lol or she may just walk all over you in the years to come. Make your wedding about your relationship with your fiance not your relationship with your MIL

 

[WildZoo]

Bout to get real whiney up in here. Husband has known since he took his job here in Chicago that there would likely be international travel involved. We were both excited about that because we could turn it into a longer vacation and get to travel to new places, etc. We chatted this past weekend about it and he planned to talk to his boss about going to China sometime this coming fall (like September or early October). Well he talked to her today and suddenly now he's going to China in <3 weeks, over our 1st anniversary, and I can't come because it's too short notice and I can't get off work. I know it's a really good opportunity for him, and his boss is going and is from China so he'll have a good experience and make nice with the boss, but I just feel so freaking upset by it all. Anniversary plans out the window, China travel plans out the window (for me at least), and it doesn't help that I'm currently extra-hormonal. Trying to be supportive and positive about it because I know he feels guilty, but jeez. Poopknuckles.

I'm sorry kcough, that is really frustrating And probably even more frustrating that it's really no one's fault, just one of those stupid life things.

 

[SkiOtter]

Bout to get real whiney up in here. Husband has known since he took his job here in Chicago that there would likely be international travel involved. We were both excited about that because we could turn it into a longer vacation and get to travel to new places, etc. We chatted this past weekend about it and he planned to talk to his boss about going to China sometime this coming fall (like September or early October). Well he talked to her today and suddenly now he's going to China in <3 weeks, over our 1st anniversary, and I can't come because it's too short notice and I can't get off work. I know it's a really good opportunity for him, and his boss is going and is from China so he'll have a good experience and make nice with the boss, but I just feel so freaking upset by it all. Anniversary plans out the window, China travel plans out the window (for me at least), and it doesn't help that I'm currently extra-hormonal. Trying to be supportive and positive about it because I know he feels guilty, but jeez. Poopknuckles.

I’m sorry kcough is there a potential for him to go to China a different time too but further in advance planned??

 

[MixedAnimals77]

Just do this at least

Me with my future MIL and FIL and I don't drink.

Bout to get real whiney up in here. Husband has known since he took his job here in Chicago that there would likely be international travel involved. We were both excited about that because we could turn it into a longer vacation and get to travel to new places, etc. We chatted this past weekend about it and he planned to talk to his boss about going to China sometime this coming fall (like September or early October). Well he talked to her today and suddenly now he's going to China in <3 weeks, over our 1st anniversary, and I can't come because it's too short notice and I can't get off work. I know it's a really good opportunity for him, and his boss is going and is from China so he'll have a good experience and make nice with the boss, but I just feel so freaking upset by it all. Anniversary plans out the window, China travel plans out the window (for me at least), and it doesn't help that I'm currently extra-hormonal. Trying to be supportive and positive about it because I know he feels guilty, but jeez. Poopknuckles.

Awww that really stinks

 

[vetmedhead]

I do actually understand My bf, while we've only been together for 3.5 years, has a mother that is very similar. She has no concept of responsibility and truly believes that she is the smartest person in the world and that everyone around her is an idiot if they disagree with her. She has, I believe, 6 siblings and doesn't speak to any of them (more likely they've cut her out). She doesn't have a job yet takes half of her husband's salary and spends it on trips around the world (by herself) yet they are in horrible debt!!! She is pretty much as toxic as they come and believe me, when my bf and I started going out I knew I was going to have to deal with this for the rest of our lives together. You only get 1 mom and dad and I was never going to ask him to pick me or them (plus he has an extremely toxic older brother too!) because, despite the fact that they are pretty terrible parents, it's a losing battle and, again, you don't get to pick them. One day, he may make a choice to not allow their toxic behavior into his life or allow them to inject their toxicity into his life (and believe me he's pretty fed up with a lot of what they've done) but for now, I have to live with it as you have to live with yours. But don't let your MIL ruin YOUR special day This is about you guys and if she wants to bark at you and make you feel bad, let it fall on empty ears because this is a day about you and your fiance I know lasting relationships with his relatives are important but they're not your actual relationship! Don't let resentment grow inside yourself to please a woman who treated you like dirt! You have to stand up for yourself at one point and it might as well be now!!! This is a day you want to remember as a happy one (if she remains upset about it for years that's HER PROBLEM!). I know it's not easy, but think about it as putting her...in her place for this one day. Keep in mind, my paternal grandma wore white on the day of my parent's wedding so....yeah...put her in her place NOW lol or she may just walk all over you in the years to come. Make your wedding about your relationship with your fiance not your relationship with your MIL

My grandmother was a lot like the MIL that pinkpuppy describes.

She wore black to my mother's first wedding. Yes, like a funeral. She sat in the front row and openly - and loudly - wept for the entire ceremony. She later "apologized" to my mother for the scene right before my mother had a very painful bladder surgery, offered to care for my mother after said surgery, and then withheld pain medication and bathroom privileges from her for nearly a day to punish her for whatever slight my grandmother had made up in her head in the first place. This was years after the initial wedding (and, in fact, I believe after my mother had already divorced that particular husband).

I get drawing a line in the sand, but I think it's also important to remember that beyond trying to keep the peace in the family in general, that these types of people fight dirty, they fight often, and they almost certainly are better at fighting than (generic) you are. It's one thing to think in your head "Okay, so they might be mad at me for a few years, their loss!" but it's quite another to experience it full force. My sister can be like this and she once told lies about me to everyone she knew and got them to send me hate messages on facebook telling me to hurt myself when I was 14 years old. Sometimes the preoccupation isn't with you hurting their feelings, it's with you challenging their psychological power and it will not be tolerated in many cases and they will drag anybody you know into it if they feel like it will work to demonstrate power over you. It may be THEIR problem, but they will make it YOUR problem over and over and over again.

Stepping away from these types of people is hard and it takes a lot of time and effort and, honestly, some convincing of the family members who they never seemed to treat poorly in the first place and who think you're lying about all of it. Depending on how bad they are sometimes stepping away from their behavior is more of an "all-or-nothing" conversation than a "limiting the amount of time spent" conversation, and for some people that step is too huge (or too huge at this point in time) and so you have to sometimes accept at least some of the crappiness of these people because trying to redirect or intervene in it entirely is a Sisyphean task.

 

[KCgophervet]

I’m sorry kcough is there a potential for him to go to China a different time too but further in advance planned??

Yeah, he thinks he'll be able to swing another trip in the future. I'm just bummed.

 

[MOOSEygoosey]

My grandmother was a lot like the MIL that pinkpuppy describes.

She wore black to my mother's first wedding. Yes, like a funeral. She sat in the front row and openly - and loudly - wept for the entire ceremony. She later "apologized" to my mother for the scene right before my mother had a very painful bladder surgery, offered to care for my mother after said surgery, and then withheld pain medication and bathroom privileges from her for nearly a day to punish her for whatever slight my grandmother had made up in her head in the first place. This was years after the initial wedding (and, in fact, I believe after my mother had already divorced that particular husband).

I get drawing a line in the sand, but I think it's also important to remember that beyond trying to keep the peace in the family in general, that these types of people fight dirty, they fight often, and they almost certainly are better at fighting than (generic) you are. It's one thing to think in your head "Okay, so they might be mad at me for a few years, their loss!" but it's quite another to experience it full force. My sister can be like this and she once told lies about me to everyone she knew and got them to send me hate messages on facebook telling me to hurt myself when I was 14 years old. Sometimes the preoccupation isn't with you hurting their feelings, it's with you challenging their psychological power and it will not be tolerated in many cases and they will drag anybody you know into it if they feel like it will work to demonstrate power over you. It may be THEIR problem, but they will make it YOUR problem over and over and over again.

Stepping away from these types of people is hard and it takes a lot of time and effort and, honestly, some convincing of the family members who they never seemed to treat poorly in the first place and who think you're lying about all of it. Depending on how bad they are sometimes stepping away from their behavior is more of an "all-or-nothing" conversation than a "limiting the amount of time spent" conversation, and for some people that step is too huge (or too huge at this point in time) and so you have to sometimes accept at least some of the crappiness of these people because trying to redirect or intervene in it entirely is a Sisyphean task.

I'm so sorry that happened to your mom!!! That's so unbelievably horrible and cruel! I do get it because some people can be like this! I was just offering up one opinion as a take it or leave it and I'm really glad you brought up some of the potential consequences of it. It got pretty bad with my bf's mom and I told him that it's literally like she's punching me in the face and I have to turn around and smile and be nice to her (for his sake). And I think that was a bit of a wake up call to him and helped him realize that he didn't want me to have a conflict with his mom and he didn't want to have a conflict with his mom but sometimes "enough is enough". I think when they think they have their own relative on their side that they're invincible to the outsider. Marriage is like a freaking clan war!!

 

[KCgophervet]

I'm sorry kcough, that is really frustrating And probably even more frustrating that it's really no one's fault, just one of those stupid life things.

That is exactly true! Like, I'm upset but I can't really be because it's no one's fault and it's still a great opportunity for him... blah.