“Hey John, how’s it going?” Admission Honcho calls, sidling into the office. “Reviewer productivity is at a record high. Lawrence and Susan have already crushed the dreams of 2,500 high-stat appli… oh.”
Honcho dithers before John’s desk. The entire room is strewn with empty bottles of Sierra Mist and crumpled cartons of Ben & Jerry’s. The dulcet tones of Jason Deurulo’s “Wiggle” emanate softly from the computer. John pauses midway through his zumba workout, casually shaking the sweat from his hair and plopping down on a beanbag chair.
“Sup, Honcho?”
“Uh,” Honcho hesitates, gesturing to a mountainous pile of untouched applications on the desk. “Have you done any reviewing?”
“Nope,” John smiles brightly, stuffing his hand into a bag of Doritos.
“But we have to get through applications as quickly as possible!”
John gives a halfhearted shrug, shoveling the last little bits of Doritos-dust to his lips. “Look here,” John beckons to Honcho, turning the computer monitor toward him.
Honcho scrutinizes the screen – the Student Doctor Network’s School Specific Thread on VCU, by the looks of it. The crazed comments of tens upon tens of wild premeds fill the screen.
“See,” John continues, flicking through the page with a powdered-cheese spackled finger. “School interest is at an all time high. More people are tuned into this thread than your average HBO drama.”
Honcho takes this all in slowly, a faint smile twitching across his mouth.
“And what more,” John drawls, donning a Snuggie. “I’ve forwarded this thread to the psychology department. It’s an excellent model for delayed gratification studies. There’s got to be at least three papers in this. Here – let’s send this app group a status change email but not actually update their status.”
John patters away at the keyboard and then refreshes the thread. Nearly a dozen new comments appear.
“I’m also working on a new status,” John remarks with a wry grin. “In addition to telling people we MAY grant them an interview or that we’re very interested, I’m thinking we should tell them that we MAY be interested. But that status is still in beta… I hope to have it live by next week.”
“My god, man,” Honcho turns to John, tears sparkling in his eyes. “You’re a genius.”