I found my chem. jokes paper, so here they are:
A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"
The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined. "It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.
A chemistry graduate student had the fortune to share their space with a cat they happened to name Ion. The student loved to introduce their feline friend as their cation!
Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.
Q: What do you call a tooth in a liter of water?
A: One molar Solution
Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.
Teacher: What is the formula for water?
Student: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O
Teacher: That's not what I taught you.
Student: But you said the formula for water was...H to O
What weapon can you make from the elements potassium, nickel and iron? A KNiFe
Rules of the lab
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them. 🙂D So true for P-chem)
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. 😀
